So since the new year I’ve been making more of an effort to get out there and date more. I broke up with my ex around June/July last year, so I’ve been telling myself that 6 months is long enough of a grievance period. I can’t sit around forever.
But lately, these dates have been terrible. I feel like gone are the days where I could just stumble up to a guy in a club, head back to his, and then keep seeing him until we ended up in a relationship. Time to be a grown up. But grown up dates are horrible!
So I just want to tell you about three bad dates I’ve had lately. I’ve slightly changed the details, but the story’s essence remains the same.
#1 The Millionaire
So I swiped right to this guy on tinder. He’s older, very dilfy and very handsome. Immediately he was giving me loads of sass, which I love, and I thought he was very witty and charming. So I gave him my number and we arranged to go for dinner one night.
My god was it boring. We were only there for an hour, but I felt as if I’d slipped through a portal into purgatory, only duller.
Now I’m quite chatty, anyone who knows me knows I can chat about anything for hours. I reckon I could have quite a lively debate with a brick wall. But my god, getting a conversation out of this man was by and large the hardest thing I’ve done this year.
So dour. Do not want.
#2 The Doctor
I was seeing the Doctor for a bit, so this wasn’t our first date. I’d stumbled back to his a couple of times, and we’d hung out a bit. I felt reasonably comfortable with him.
Then one day, he turns to me and looks me in the eyes. I panicked. Call it ESP or whatever you like, but I just knew. I just knew he was about to drop a bombshell on me. Although I was sensible, I prayed to whoever is up there that it was nothing serious.
“I think I’ve got…” Drumroll please… “I think I’ve got TB.”
What the fuck? I ask him what he means. Don’t we all get vaccines for that? I thought it was extinct. He explains that the vaccine is only partially effective, and that where he works the local population are not very good at getting vaccinated. He then goes on to say that everyone I’ve come into close contact with, might have to take a course of antibiotics so we don’t end up coughing up a lung.
Fantastic. Of course this is happening to me. Of fucking course it is. Forget regular STDs, I’ve got a fucking 19th Century illness. Cheers pal.
#3 The Cannibal
This is the one that really takes the biscuit. I met this guy for a drink at a local wine bar. The wine bar is quite small, so we end up sitting directly at the bar, where the bar man is quietly leaning in, having a good old listen to our conversations. Which is fair enough, that’s exactly what I’d do too.
So anyway, there’s me and the guy and the leaning in not-listening-but-really-he-is bartender.
So we’re chatting away about regular stuff, and we get onto the topic of food. He asks what I eat mainly, and I tell him its a lot of chilli and chicken. He frowns. I ask what’s wrong and he says he never eats chicken. I ask him what he eats, and he says mostly pork. So I jokingly, JOKINGLY, say that pork is the meat that is most similar to human flesh. And what does he say?
“Yeah I’d eat human flesh.”
WHAT THE EVER LIVING FUCK?
I took one quick look at the bartender, who looked directly at me. Both of our mouths hung in complete disbelief.
“What the fuck?” I say “Are you fucking serious?”
“Yeah” he says “Are you telling me if someone offered you human meat you wouldn’t try it?”
At this point, the bartender bolts straight out the room, leaving me alone with a suspected cannibal. The worst part of it all was that he was the only bartender, so I had to wait for him to return before I could even get the bill.
So all in all, it’s not going well so far. Please someone, tell me you’ve had similar dating experiences! I can’t be the only one.